the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
