My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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