I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
