how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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