I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
zippers are such a cool invention
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
