I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
