Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I AM VODKA MAN
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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