I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
