Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
