I'm jealous of your bromance
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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