I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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