she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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