I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
