A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
