new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
