Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
