the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
