Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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