When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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