I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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