just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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