I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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