the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
