she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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