well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
