That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
