She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
You left your phone here
Wait...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
