Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
