I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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