I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize