I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
