At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
