Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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