I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
