My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
