I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
organizing the empties. That sober.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize