I think I just saw someone hide a body.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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