Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
