my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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