Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
