Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
