I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
