alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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