I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
