found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize