I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
