Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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