just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
