we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
