in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
