Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
