Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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