if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
