You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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