New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
