Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize