The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
