I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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