I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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