glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
