guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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