She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
