i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
