We're facebook friends in real life
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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