Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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