im about as happy as oj after his trial
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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