He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
