you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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