I didn't shave. On purpose
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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