I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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